It wasn't my intention to abandon the internet for all of these days that I just did. The sun came out, the would-be last glimpses of summer took over, I found myself enjoying the splendor of actual and undocumented life as it unfolded, one day at a time.
Simple pleasures: a concept I am no stranger to. Seaside ice cream, swimming four times a day, my father turning 67. Kayaking, biking, beach fires, backyard fires. Freezie pops, french fries, fried green tomatoes, homemade almond butter. Local blueberries, local beers, family gatherings, potlucks, and squeaky cheese.
This entire summer has been filled with moments like this. This past week I really let myself submit. But...now what?
Drifting through these days, I have been thinking a lot about what led me here and obviously where this vision quest of mine is ultimately going to take me. Is a work/life balance truly possible? Looking back I can reflect on the ways that the implied futility of New York can feel so heavy; defeat so often the given, not the exception to the rule. Even when you are, by all accounts, "successful", it can drain you completely. These past days in semi-rural Canada, surrounded by family and new friends, have, among other things, reminded me that one can simply DO and BE and it can often work out just fine. What if it were all just...possible? Just because stress is ingrained in me it doesn't mean that it's actually really real or necessary. Just because I have previously, for at least fourteen years, associated work and much of what I have done professionally with anxiety and inadequacy, it doesn't mean it's always going to be this way. This feeling of overachieving coming at the consequence of selling your soul and killing yourself in the process could have been just a product of my surrounding and imagination, not the definitive result for whatever I choose to do or be.
So, now what? All I can say right now is that I'm working on it. And gratefully taking it one day at a time.