january

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January will forever be a marker month for resolution and reinvention. I thought I had shied away from such notions but in hindsight this crossover into a new year would prove to indicate a new beginning even for me, in spite of my supposed intentions.
Never one to fear the passage of time, I found myself wondering how this joke of a winter season could already be making its way towards spring. Global warming aside, thoughts crept in as to how this new version of my life and mindset might be affecting my consciousness of the day to day....
....And in so many ways I was tired.
Tired of the indulgence, of the sensory overload. Tired of inevitable ups and downs and lack of tangible control. Happy though I was (usually), I was admittedly exhausted.
So.

It became something else: a red light, a pause, a time out.
And I discovered that the very act of imparting rules upon myself was in its own, unexpected way a reassurance of all I am able to do or change for myself.

Another lesson.
Another month.

...full of friends and food and coffee and art and getaways and everything else becoming this city routine.

But this time with eyes open.

Change, when you least expect it, as usual.

2011 - 2012

Part of me continues to expect there to be an actual stopping point where I can look back and really see how far I have come and how different I feel.
But that moment never comes the way I expect it to.
I wouldn't be able to join the bandwagon of 2011 being absolute greatness from start to finish.
Good and bad. Happy, sad. Terrified then confident.
Lessons learned, still learning.
And this time around, I feel even less compelled to make a plan or declaration for this new year suddenly upon me.
Here we are, here I am. Things never stop, things are never clear.
These days I am most often happy, calm, contented.
(Grateful and lucky).
But there will always be confusion and curiosity.
Things will always change.
I will always be looking back.

Happy New Year to me.

december

December and all its implied festivity caught me by surprise.
Still biking to brunch and to work in a fall season that dragged its feet.
One blanket sufficed, hands remained ungloved. The holidays left unconsidered.
....And then things quickly became boozy, festive, twinkly, magical.
Memories simultaneously becoming hazier as one night blurred into the next.
Parties and openings and dinners and drinks.
My stomach as full as my social calendar.
Some downs but more ups.
Some reunions unanticipated.
Winks across the room. Arms brushed, legs touched.
Timing would be off, timing would be lost. Life full of circles, always.
A month of letting go and letting things happen. One day, then night, and then the next.
Staying awake, staying jolly. Trying to remember what we said.
And the happiest of memories became dominant. Within a blur of food, friends, drinking, and dancing.
A bar, a restaurant, a taco truck. My living room, their living room. My kitchen. Someone else's kitchen.
Talking and walking and watching and doing.

Endless.

The strangest of holiday seasons.

november contd. : kinderhook farm

Cold, frosty mornings waking up to pink light. A Thanksgiving meal beyond delicious description. Farm chores I couldn't be happier to resume, even for the briefest of time.

Friendship, family, back amongst the sheep.
Bagging chickens, taking walks. Riding backseat on the ATV.
Everything here felt like coming home again.
Thankful couldn't even sum it up.

november

November brought an uplift of both spirit and mood.
New friends and old friends and suddenly way too much to do.
Snow stayed away and Wall Street stayed occupied (until it didn't).
Work continued.
Hinterlands near and far three out of four weekends. More trees, more waves, more fresh air.
Pink sunsets and gray skies. Jackets and tights and sweaters and cold hands. The sun setting early, the days passing quickly.
Mallomars, morning tea. Cider donuts and ice cream sundaes. Bourbon, red wine, fires inside and out.
A fall season that seems to go on forever.

Slowly inching towards noticeable routine in this newfound reality. With a home that's feeling cozier than ever, totally mine.
At times I'll be overwhelmed by how good everything feels. A November I might remember as being (one of) the best ever.